The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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