I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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