He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
