Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
