I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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