it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize