I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
