If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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