I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
