i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
