you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
