The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
