shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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