I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
