turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
