i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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