I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize