how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
