My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
