i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
