Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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