waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
