i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
