Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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