I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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