Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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