are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
