As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
