She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
