Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
