Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
