Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
