Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
