john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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