I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
