thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize