i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
