If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
