He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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