You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
