she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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