I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
