Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize