Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
