So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she told me i tasted like america
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
