Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
