You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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