Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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