I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
