Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
