i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
