Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
