dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize