Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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