I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
