can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
