I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize