If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
