I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
