it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
