Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
