On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
