The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
