someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
