did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
