There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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