There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
