thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sarcasm needs its own font
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
