I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
