last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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