I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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