my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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