he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
