The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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